Coming full circle

Soul-Searching 

Coming to Cal was an experience like no other. First generation college student, parents without a high school degree and no understanding of how to navigate the education system. The journey of these last four years is close to an end. In less than 4 days I'll be walking the stage, receiving my B.S. in Business Administration and minor in Disability Studies. However, my experience cannot be defined by these two titles.

Each semester was a new experience. One where I learned something different and challenged myself in ways I did not believe possible. This semester, this course represented that challenge. It was a soul-searching semester where the goal was to 'find myself' and find 'answers' to the many personal and family challenges I faced while in college.

Through this course I understood not only myself a bit better, but my parents. Mascaras. I finally understood the mascara my father wears every day. I was always aware of it, never understood it, but always resented it. "No es nadie senor, solo yo." My mother. The moment I read this, I thought of my mother. I never understood why she consistently devalued herself and undermined her importance. Now that light has been shed on both issues and many others tied to the Mexican identity, I've been working towards breaking these
cycles with my family. Attempting to not only understand but break these barriers.

Art work. Never in my life did I think I'd be creating art pieces in college. Some of the most tense moments this semester were spent trying to figure out what art piece to do. However, that tension went away as soon as an idea came and paper and pencil/chalk touched. Tension rapidly turned into soothing relaxation and concentration. Playing my vihuela and singing had always been my outlet of expression. However, I'm glad to have found another art form that brings peace of mind and will continue to use.

Lastly, Chavela. As a mariachi I've played and performed many of these songs countless times. Nevertheless, my focus was always on the vihuela and never on singing the song and understanding the meaning of the song. Through this course I learned to stop. To stop and think about what each word meant. How each word changed the meaning of the song and what the song meant to me.

I could go on and on about the experiences I've had in this course. Some of frustration, but many times of enjoyment and enlightenment. I truly enjoyed singing and performing the ranchera songs in class and during the two fiestas. Tony, I hope you enjoyed the music as well. It was truly a pleasure being in this course and I thank you for having created it. This was the cherry on top to my experience at CAL, bringing these four years to a closure.

Las Mexicana

Cual Mexicana? 

The Mexicanas we were exposed to this week were great, with my favorite one being Lola Beltran. I'm not sure if it's due to her ranchera style, but I very much enjoy the emotion she transmits in the songs. However, it's to the point that she almost attempts to replicate the male style of singing with her deep voice. It's as if the only way to be taken seriously is to become a male or as close to it as possible.

Women within music have been pushed to the side, especially within earlier generations. The male singers have been the ones to represent the genera, and set the expectations for the musical style. Even within this course, the artists we learned about were primarily male artists. All throughout we discussed various artists and their influence in the musical genera. However, if you stop and think, the only female ever heavily discussed, other than during this week, is Chavela. Even then, Chavela does not represent the "traditional" female. Other than that, all female artists were lumped into one group, merged, and thus classified as "las mexicanas." No individual title, just simply a unit.

As in my drawing, las mexicanas are present, influencing the spaces they touch, changing the way things are done. However, never fully integrated. They're recognized, their presence and influence acknowledged. At the same time they're fragile, easily erased and partially removed. Only their outline, the sensation that they were once there, lingers.

Cuatro Milpas / El Desterrado

La vida es la milpa

El tema de esta semana es uno que tiene un lugar muy especial para mi. La milpa es algo muy comun en los Altos de Jalisco, de donde es mi familia. Siempre me a seguido durante mi tiempo en Mexico, y hasta en mi vida aca en el norte. Yo desde pequeña fui atraida al elote. Unos de los recuerdo mas lindos de mi niñez involucra el maiz y las masorcaz. Mi actividad favorita cuando tenia 6 anos con mi abuelita, que en paz descanse, era desgranar los elotes (quitarle los pedacitos de elote a la mazorca) y darselos de comer a las gallinas. 

El elote es central a la vida del Mexicano. Todo el alimento involucra maiz, la comida (tamales, posole, tortillas, etc.), lo que uno bebe (atole), lo que le dan de comer a los animales. Similarmente, la vida de el Mexicano que conosco revuelve alrededor de la siembra del elote. Saber el tiempo apropiado para sembrar, que no llueva muy poco o que no llueva demasiado, que si la tierra esta lista, etc. En fin, como el video que Valdemar nos compartio, para el Mexicano que siembra, su milpa es todo. 

Trio Los Panchos/Sin Ti

Que es la vida? 

I loved reading "La vida es un sueno," by Ry Cooder and seeing Arturo Manzano's character develop from a high self-esteem guy to someone who seemed confused and conflicted with his identity.

 I cannot lie, initially I was a bit upset as to how Mariachi and Mariachi music was depicted. Street beggers, how are we street beggers? Nevertheless, I continued reading, hoping things would get better, and they did. 

What intrigued me the most was how Manzano's self-esteem came crashing to the ground along with Sergeant Morales's self-esteem. Initially, Manzano pronounced himself as a high-end, distinguished musician. However, as the story progressed he realized that the world he knew no longer existed. He became aware of what "true" high-end musicians were and the luxuries others indulged in. Many times he left his requinto and stopped performing because he couldn't bare to pick up that instrument and face the reality of his life. 

The ending intrigued me the most. When Manzano and Morales drank outside of Manzano's house at 3am. Manzano provided Morales all the information he needed to finish the case, but at that point, nothing mattered. Just like Manzano saw what "high-end" musicians were, but again it didn't matter because it wasn't his reality. 

In my drawing, I picture Manzano suck in a tunnle, contemplating his life. His instrument on the side, waiting to be played, but not having the courage to face up to the reality. Light exists at the end of the tunnel. The challenge is whether he will like/accept that new reality.

What I wonder after having read all this is how Manzano perceives Mariachi music now that he realized that well, trio players and mariachi musicians are not that different from one another. 

Trova Yucateca

Ojos Tristes

Trovador, or in my case should I say trovadora. This style of music is one that I was not familiar with prior to this class. Can't say that it's particularly my favorite music style, but I've grown to appreciate it. It's very different from the ranchera music style which I'm very much accustom to. 

As I listened to different songs and read about how the song Peregrina came about, I realized the just a Story mentioned in class, the woman always played a very passive role. Always sung to, admired, passive beings.

I wanted to depict what it would be like for the woman to be the one serenading, the one standing outside of the house waiting, waiting to see if there would be a response. A response that might or might not come. Having done many serenades, always on behalf of others and not myself, I can say that it's a very nerve wrenching experience for those dedicating the serenade. A lot of uncertainty that the person won't respond as expected and that all efforts will go down the drain. However, until I do my own personal serenade, cannot fully confirm the feelings felt. Until then, I will continue with these assumptions.

Cuco Sanchez/ Cama de Piedra

Sencilla es la Vida

El estilo de Cucho Sanchez es muy diferente al de Jose Alfredo Jimenez. Esto se siente especialmente en la cancion "La Cama de Piedra." Una cancion que habla de la revolucion, y para mi de una vida mas sencilla. Sin los lujos de luz electrica, agua caliente, y las comodidades que vienen con vivir en la ciudad.                                         Esta cancion me trae recuerdos de mi niñez, de cuando era muy pequeña y iva a Mexico con mis papas. Siempre visitavamos a una senora y sus hijas, Gonzalita y Eva, mas mayores de edad. Vivian en una casa de adobe, aisladas del pueblo y las tiendas de abarrotes. De pequeña siempre renegaba al ir porque no tenian mucho con que entretenerme. La casa era muy simple, sin luz, ni television. Yo preferia estar afuera, jugando en el corral o entre la milpa que tenian al lado. Pero mas me encantaba brincar, intentando de arrancarle una granada al arbol de granado. 

Como dice mi mama, 

"A veces las personas mas felices son las mas sencillas." 

Jose Alfredo Jimenez: En el Ultimo Trago

Ultimo Trago Que Derramaste

Antes de empezar a aprender la musica de mariachi con el mariachi de la iglesia, esta musica nunca me atraia. Simplemente era algo que la familia ponia en las fiestas or que tocaban en las bodas. Hasta muy recientemente pude apreciar el verdadero significado de los versos de estas canciones, canciones que llegan hasta el fondo del alma de los que las saben apreciar. 

Como vihuelera y una de las unicas personas en mi grupo que no cantaba como solista, no me ponia a analysar los versos. Primero era aprender la music de vihuela y memorizarla para las tocadas. Mi trabajo no era interpretarla las canciones y transmitir el sentimiento a la audiencia. Y como siempre e tenido miedo a cantar sola, no me daba la oportunidad de ver el verdadero significado de cada cancion. 

Chavela cambio todo para mi. Bueno, Chavela, la vida y esta clase a puesto todo poco a poco en perspectiva. Al leer  "Jose Alfredo Jimenez: 'Les dire que llegue de un mundo raro'" por Carlos Monsivais, Monsivais describe como Chavela al interpretar sin mariachi, llega hasta el fondo de la cancion, resaltando el verdadero sentimiento de cada cancion. (pagina 28-29). Chavela me dio la opportunidad de reevaluar todas la canciones que ya havia oido o que ya sabia de memoria. Y en esta clase, mi enfocque no es aprender la musica de memoria, si no enverdad poner atencion a cada frase, a cada palabra y en el mensaje de cada cancion. Y otra vez, a cambiado completamente el significado que la musica ranchera tiene en mi vida. 

"En el ultimo trago" de Jose Alfredo Jimenez tiene un lugar muy particular en mi vida. Era la cancion que siempre cantabamos juntos cuando ivamos en camino a algun bar caminando por las calles de Nueva York un viernes por la noche. Por que? Porque parecia cancion tipica de mariachi. A simple vista habla del desamor, como muchas otras canciones de mariachi, y de tomar. Nunca pense que vendria teniendo mucho mas sentido en mi vida. Pero ahora aplica de otra manera. Es el Ultimo Trago que prometiste, pero que nunca nos tomamos. El Ultimo Trago que derramaste antes de salirte de mi vida sin explicacion y sin mirar atras. Toda la cancion tiene mucho significado, pero me encanta esta frase:

"Sin algun dia sin querer tropezamos, no te agaches ni me hables de frente. Simplemente la mano nos damos, y despues que murmure la gente."

 Y asi sera.

Jose Alfredo y Chavela. La combinacion perfecta. 

La Malinche/Cruz de Olvido

"La barca en que me ire,
lleva una cruz de olvido"

--Cruz de Olvido, Jose Alfredo Jimenez

"Nadie sabe la cruz que carga."

La cruz: el sufriemiento, las dificultades de la vida, la soledad, el olvido. Cada quien carga su propia cruz, aunque uno no lo reconosca. Bueno, eso es lo que dice mi mama. Y en ciertos casos uno nunca conoscera la cruz que cargan los demas. Como dice Octavio Paz, "Solamente en la soledad, se atreve a ser. (p.80)" Solamente en la soledad saca su cruz y solamente en la soledad sabra que contiene esa cruz. Ni el mismo sabe todo lo que carga. En esa barca, solo, con su cruz, se va. Y solamente asi se conocera. 

Canciones Viejas: Dos Fuentes

Cancion Mixteca

"Que lejos estoy del suelo,
donde he nacido,
inmensa nostalgia invade,
mi pensamiento."

--Cancion Mixteca, Jose Lopez Alavez

Las canciones viejitas como Cancion Mixteca nos llevan a otra realidad. Nos llevan a recordar el pasado y nos ponen a pensar en nuestro futuro. Es precisamente lo que Cancion Mixteca evoca en mi. Lejos de mis abuelos, tios y primos que siguen en Mexico. A los cuales llevo casi tres anos sin ver, que es lo mas que e durado sin ir a Mexico. 

Por que no e ido? Todo por perseguir el sueno Americano y hacerlo mi realidad. Trabajando estos ultimos dos verano, primero en San Francisco y luego en Nueva York, tratando de convertirme en alguien en esta vida. E descuidado mi familia, mi rancho, mi Mexico por poder entrar y ser aceptada en el mundo de los gringos y de los negocios. 

Haveces siento que estoy lejos, lejos del suelo donde estan mis raicies y me pongo a pensar, valdra todo esto la pena? No se cual sea la respuesta correcta, pero seguire caminando por este camino que se llama la vida.

Paloma Negra

Paloma Negra

"Hay momentos en que quisiera mejor rajarme

Arrancarme ya los clavos de mi penar"

Paloma Negra --Tomaz Mendez Sosa

Espera, y sigue esperando que la paloma regrese. Clavos, invisibles pero presentes, atandola a la esperanza de su regreso. Intenta arrancar esos clavos que la mantienen atada, atada con esperanza y atada a el. Se arranca un clavo. Sangra. Se abre. La herida asusta, pero prefiere tener la herida temporariamente y con el tiempo sanar, que siempre estar atada.

Mascaras

Alma de Acero, Mi Alma de Acero

"Tu ya conoces mi vida
aveces me ando cayendo
y el orgullo me levanta
naci con alma de acero
y aunque deveras te quiero
te dejo que me abandones
nomas no llores si alguien te canta"
 -Jose Alfredo Jimenez

El escudo de acero, alma de acero, representa la 'mascara' que el mundo ve. Es una mascara que demuestra qualidades de alguien trabajador y persistente, perfecionista en todo sentido de la palabra, tambien perfecionando, con cada derrota al corazon, su abilidad de disimular los sentimientos, especialmente la tristesa y el dolor. Detras de esta alma de acero existe un corzaon adolorido, donde la sangre brota. Intenta quitar el dolor, cortando la vena, la raiz de la tristesa. Solamente unos cuantos ven la realidad detras de esta alma de acero porque al reconoser, se "raja" enfrente a sus ojos, y eso nunco.

La cancion Alma de acero de Jose Alfredo Jimenez demuestra exactamento lo que estoy sintiendo y la forma en que me manejo. Aunque tenga derrota al corazon, y  "me ando cayendo" de tristesa, "el orgullo me levanta" por que no me rajo y seguire adelante. Es que "naci con alma de acero," y si, "aunque deveras te quiero, te dejo que me abandones," y bueno no te buscare, "nomas no llores si alguien te canta," porque yo seguire cantando. Esta alma de acero, mi mascara, es lo que me saca adelante.

 Naci con alma de acero y no me rajo! 

Alma de Acero (Estela Nunez version)- YouTube

Casa y Recuerdo

When I think of Casa y Recuerdo (especially when discussing the topic in the Spanish language), my thoughts turn to Mexico. My most treasured childhood recuerdos are associated with Mexico and the three day journey made each summer in our pick-up truck back to my parent’s pueblo in Jalisco, Mexico. A truck that became our home each summer. A home where we forcefully, all five of us had to interact with one another, something that was not very common on a day-to-day basis. The most meaningful childhood memories with my father are associated with this movable home. I became his copilot every time, huge map of Mexico in hand, guiding him down the different freeways in Mexico and ensuring he didn't fall asleep at night when everyone else in the car slept. In some sense, this pick-up truck holds more recuerdos with my father than any other item in my current parent's home.

During class, Tony brought up an interesting point. Those born in Mexico, return to their homeland. However, for me, I was born here, in San Francisco. Am I actually returning then? What does it mean to "return" to a place where, well your roots, customs and traditions lie, but not actual physical day-to-day home? This is the inner conflict that I've grown-up with, one that has became much more conflicting after studying abroad in Milan, Italy this past semester. Still have not come quite to terms with it, but nevertheless Mexico still represent home, to some extent, for me, especially for my childhood years. 

The border crossing at El Paso, Texas to Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua transitioned me to a whole new world filled with the tranquility of  la vida del campo, but exposed to the terror of consistently being searched and stopped by soldados Mexicanos searching for drugs. I knew our road trip was coming to an ended as la milpa del elote greeted us alongside of the huge metal milk-filled barrel right outside of our pueblo. Once in our pueblo, we were safe from soldados, and the terror, for the most part, vanished. 

Many childhood memories revolve around el elote, which is a heavily grown crop in my region, Los Altos de Jalisco, Mexico. El elote brings back childhood memories con mi abuelita que en paz descanse, of our many times desgranando masorcas de elote and feeding the chickens. As a four year old, that was what I always wanted to. El elote reminds me of the tatemas that my father would make with elotes from his brother's milpa. El elote, o mas bien, la milpa del elote that I found when I went for a run in the outskirts of Milan, Italy this past semester, gave me the sanity I needed after being homesick for a couple of weeks. 

Memories, many memories of  running through mi pueblo where the challenges of being raised in a Mexican home in an American society were left behind.   

Tierra y Corazon

Estacion San Juan de los Lagos, Jalisco, Mexico (Junio 2010)

Esta es mi tierra, la tierra a la cual espero regresar pronto.

Estacion San Juan de los Lagos, Jalisco, Mexico. 

La tierra que vistaba desde pequena, donde los dias eran eternos y las noches calorosas. Extrano la tranquilidad de este hogar, de esta tierra. La tranquilidad con la que la gente vive y con la que se disfruta la vida. Tranquilidad, espero algun dia regresar, o que tu regreses a mi. 

Hello everyone!

I'm Estefania Hernandez, currently a senior studying Business Administration and Disability Studies minor. I'm very excited to be taking this course and learning more about the music that I have performed since a young age!

Here is a bit about me:

I was born in San Francisco's Mission District and lived there until the age of 8 when my family moved to the East Bay Area. Both of my parents grew up in a small pueblo in Los Altos de Jalisco, Mexico (where tequila is produced), which I would visit on a yearly basis. I loved running around the pueblo, going to la tiendita de dulces to buy my Carlos X chocolate bar. Mexico was my second home.

Both of my parents immigrated to the US during their teenage years in search of el sueño americano. My father, a construction worker, and my mother, a stay-at-home mom. They raised me in what I believe to be a traditional Mexican household, regardless of the fact that it was the Bay Area and not Mexico. Mexican food, Mexican traditions and of course only Spanish at home.

Mariachi Juvenil Los Cachorros

At the age of 12, I joined my local church's mariachi group, Mariachi Juvenil Los Cachorros. They first taught me guitar and eventually I switched over to vihuela. I began learning mariachi church music and eventually transitioned into the traditional mariachi music that we sing in class!

End of year performance (Spring 2013)

Mariachi music is something I'm very passionate about and which I love dedicating my time to. Exactly a year ago, Victor Muratalla and I began UC Berkeley's current mariachi group, Mariachi Luz de Oro. We perform at school events, private events and through the streets of Berkeley on random days! We hope you enjoy mariachi music as much as we do!

Mariachi Luz de Oro and Ballet Folklorico Reflejos de Mexico